Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in deadmanwalking1's LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 30th, 2006
4:09 pm	Anger-by Steve Thompson Anger, Fear, Jelousy & Confusion Anger, Fear, Jelousy and Confusion The four emotions I feel on a constant basis. From most encountered, to a waste of time Anger, Fear, Jelousy, Confusion Things I do, to only be accepted Anger When you shut me down Things I see, will you leave me? Fear That i will be lonely Things I hear, about you and him Jelousy Consumes my every thought Things I think, about how I feel Confusion When it's all about you Anger, Fear, Jelousy and Confusion Will never over-come my feeling and question Love, and why Anger, Fear, Jelousy Confusion Current Mood: disappointed (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
12:40 am	......... i'm just plain upset right now.....things seemed so decent tonight and then one thing made it go haywire....why won't she give me a chance to explain myself?....i don't understand that mentality....not at all....i feel like i get my face rubbed in the dirt and it's not fair.....i put myself out again and again, and this is the thanks that i get?....i love her, but i'm feeling like that feeling is not felt in return.....i don't know what else to say right now..... Current Mood: sad (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
2:55 pm	in lynchburg i'm here in lynchburg now....and i'm starting to think that i'm not gonna like it much here...long story...but nothing is pretty much as i like it right now....i'm just not feeling at home....and i'm simply not happy right now....more later..... Current Mood: discontent (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
12:48 am	happy thanksgiving..... just a quick entry to wish y'all a happy thanksgiving....i'll write a real entry when i get back to oxford on saturday.....been interesting so far,...goin out in philly tomorrow night so the most fun might be yet to be had....lol....hope everyone had a good turkey day!! Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
10:04 am	finally well..sorry it's been a few days...i've been extraordinarily busy lately....yesterday, i finally decided to put my nose to the grindstone and finish my semester.....i sat in weir hall from 9am till 5pm, and finished all of my papers that i have due for the rest of the semester!!!!..yayyy!!...i can coast on in to finals now...what a relief.....let's see....obviously, not much time for anything else to happen....it's official though...my roommate is a damn lunatic...she's just fucking mad.....yesterday, she found a {and this is in her words} "shard of glass" under the counter, and immediately came storming into my room at 1am...woke me up, and demanded to know what i had broken.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME???...DON'T WAKE ME UP TO ASK ME THAT!!!....it turns out it wasn't even glass, it was part of a cigarette pack wrapper!!!....i really think that i'm getting close to being able to hit a woman...never thought i'd say that, but if i get woken up again in the middle of the night by some lunatic storming into my room unannounced, i can't be held responsible for my actions.....i think i'm just gonna start propping a chair against the door so that can't happen again.....anyway...i get to go home in 3 days!!!...i'm so excited to get out of here!!!...at least the weather has gotten cold here so i can get acclimated before i get there....it's the worst when you're used to warm weather and you get off a plane somewhere only to get blasted by cold air....ugh...... Current Mood: indifferent (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
10:35 pm	i'm just copying and pasting my myspace blog onto here....it says exactly what i feel..... up and down..... Current mood: depressed i don't really know what it is.....i was fine this morning.....but as the day progressed....something went wrong in my head....my good mood disappeared and got replaced by some evil monster called depression.....feels like i have a ton of bricks on my shoulders tonight....maybe it's b/c i've been doing too much thinking lately, maybe it's b/c i have so much to do in the next week and so little time....i don't want to do anything right now except bury myself in my room and just sit there.....i worked 10 1/2 hours today...i should be exhausted...i'm not....i'm tired of being nice, and being trampled on.....i'm tired of school, i'm tired of work...i'm tired of me right now.....sometimes i seriously wonder why i'm so nice to people......it gets me absolutely nowhere....maybe it's time to just think about me, and fuck everyone else.....they can all kiss my ass if they don't like it....i'm tired of this fucking town, where people are nice to your face and then turn around and talk behind your back....i'm tired of being woken up at 8am every weekend by phone calls....i'm tired of my roommate leaving me bitchy letters then when she's here with me acts all happy.....i'm tired of living so far outside of town....i'm tired of caring about other people's problems and trying to help.....the problem is....i can't help but care.....it's just me....FUCK!!...... Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
11:12 pm	thoughtful.... just was wondering why, as you go through life....how friends come and go....it's kind of like standing in front of a turnstile...and life goes on...it sucks sometimes....the decisions we make have a ripple effect that goes down through the rest of our lives....and once a decision is made, effects are inevitable and unchangeable....i think back over the years, and i get a little sad thinking of all the people who have passed through my life....and i wonder what has become of them....have you ever wished you could turn back the clock, and change what has happened?......in life, there is a certain feeling of lonliness that lingers just beyond the visible horizon....constantly threatening to engulf you.....it never sleeps and it never withdraws....all you can do is hope that the flow coming into your life equals the flow going out...i don't really know where i'm going with this, nor do i know if there is really a point....but i just wish i could stop that turnstile once in a while....stop.....enjoy the company of those around me without the knowledge that soon they will be gone....some come through more than once, here, gone, here again, gone again....only very rarely does a true friend come along that will stand with you and watch the flow of those going though the gates....and those people who hang together, are the truly lucky ones...... Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
11:35 pm	money.... ok...i'm still in a really good mood...prolly will be for awhile....but i have to say i'm tired of being broke as hell...why can't the world just work on the barter system??...i have alot of stuff that's totally useless to me, but i'm sure other people could find a use for it...lol....i'm so happy that next semester my schedule will be much more work friendly, so that i don't have to deal with basically starving myself to survive....i'm feeling oh so much better...think i have shaken off the cold that had me grounded most of the weekend...thank goodness..:-)...can't really say much else new....school is finally starting to wind down...i have 3 more days of student teaching...tomorrow, wednesday, and friday....i'll miss the kids...i've actually gotten attached to them....however, i will not miss drivin to pontotoc every tuesday....lol....there's a meteor shower later this week....finally, my house is good for somethin....it's so darn far out in the country that you can see about a zillion stars....a meteor shower ought to be really cool out here...anyway...i'm tired...goodnight everyone.... Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
11:25 pm	almost a done deal..... i only have a minute or two...need to go study for a test in an hour and a half...but i'm procrastinating...lol...nothin new there...it's almost a done deal that i'm movin back to the north after finals in may....my mom's helping me look for schools up there, and over the winter, i'll start going places to visit....it's not written in stone yet, so if anyone out there can think of a reason for me to stay, let me know...i'm all ears.....but i think my heart's already gone....i've been so giddy the last day....think i just needed some good news to kinda pull me out of the funk i was in......oh well...off to study Current Mood: giddy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:43 am	what a way to wake up!! ok...i'm way too tired to write much of an entry right now....but holy shit, what a way to wake up.....i was sleepin and the phone rang...it was my mom.....she told me she had someone there who wanted to talk to me.....my sister lauren got on the phone....and the first thing she said was "in 6 months you are going to be uncle josh."...i was like "WHAT?!?"....she's 3 months pregnant....i'm gonna be an uncle....wow......talk about wild way to start your day!!...i'm so excited....gives me another reason to get back up north....i'm so excited to be able to get back up there for thanksgiving week and for winter break!!!....well..i'm gonna go lie down in bed, but doubt i'll be able to go back to sleep!!!! Current Mood: excited (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
6:52 am	thank goodness it's a short day today just happy that i only have 2 classes today with nothing due...woke up this mornin feelin like shit...my throat is all swollen, and it hurts to swallow....crap...this sucks...... Current Mood: sick (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
10:42 am	being thankful.... good morning everyone....i was just thinkin....i have some things that i'm very thankful for, and i thought i would share them....even though it's been a difficult last few months....i have some people that i need to thank....eric...you've been the very definition of a friend to me...you've been there for me more times than i can even count...i can't even begin to thank you enough for everything you've done for me...i'm deeply in your debt....timothy..thank you for helping to get me back on my feet and for the good advice you've given me...i appreciate it....thank you very much....brandi..even though we've had our tough times as roommates, thank you for being there for me when i needed a place to live...i very much appreciate it....toni...it's been nice getting to know you...you're so fun to hang out with and such a good person on top of that...:-)...trust me, you are wise beyond your years...thank you....laurie...thank you for being an ear for me late at night almost every night...lol...i'm happy that you trust me enough to share your problems with me too...thank you so much!!!...steph...thank you for allowing me to vent on ya every once in a while...lol...you've been a life saver!!...there are more....but i'm hungry and want to go eat..don't be offended if i've left you off....i thank you all for being my friends this semester!!...have a good afternoon y'all!!! Current Mood: thankful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
10:46 pm	3 times in one day..what's up... figured i'd write a little entry while dinner is gettin ready....i think i know why i'm so impulsive now...b/c when i think too much, i tend to depress myself....started to do it to myself even right here in the last 20 minutes....fuck....when i'm doing things without thinking, i tend to be pretty happy go lucky....but when you sit me down, and give me time to just think, bad shit man, bad shit...start thinking "what would i have done differently?", "how could i have made this different?", "is there anything i could have done to make things better?"...that kind of stuff, nothin specific, just in general terms...there's only one basic problem....it's when i'm being impulsive that i tend to get into trouble...i think alot of stuff will get resolved when i go back to nj...including the question of how long i'll be down here for....there's a very real chance that i may transfer up north again...more and more, i really think up there is where i'm in my "comfort zone"...much moreso than down here....so many times down here i feel like i'm from a different planet...the only thing that's making me hesitate is that there are a given few people here that i genuinely like to hang out with, and would miss badly if i left.....i just feel very badly torn between wanting to get back to that comfort zone, and keeping and building friendships that i've made here.....i think that conflict has been what is bothering me lately.....oh well...lol..you know what they say...live life one day at a time, take chances, have no regrets, and move on...."..how true...how true....only time will tell...winter break will go a long way towards making that decision for me...anyway....i really want to see Saw II...everyone i talk to has said that it's really good..even better than the first one, which i really liked........ a little quote i ran across.... "Once we have resolved only to see those who will treat us morally and virtuously, reasonably and truthfully, without treating conventions, vanities, and ceremonials as anything other than props of polite society, we will have to live more or less on our own."--Chamfort ...just a thought... Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
2:27 pm	You scored as William Wallace. The great Scottish warrior William Wallace led his people against their English oppressors in a campaign that won independence for Scotland and immortalized him in the hearts of his countrymen. With his warrior's heart, tactician's mind, and poet's soul, Wallace was a brilliant leader. He just wanted to live a simple life on his farm, but he gave it up to help his country in its time of need. William Wallace 71% Maximus 67% Indiana Jones 63% Captain Jack Sparrow 50% El Zorro 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 46% Lara Croft 42% The Terminator 38% Batman, the Dark Knight 38% James Bond, Agent 007 29% Neo, the "One" 29% (Comment on this)
2:00 pm	happy walloween so eric broke a fuckin 100 year old tombstone last night....damn...just seein it makes me feel cursed....mother nature spent 100 years tryin to break that thing....and he did it in 2 seconds...hahaha....payin the price for last night today....student teaching was like tryin to run a mile with a lead weight attached to my head....almost fell asleep while i was helpin a kid with math....oh boy!!....realized this morning that i have a major, major test tomorrow morning...shit...not looking forward to it at all...:-(.....on the way home from student teaching 2 black cats ran out in front of my car....damn....does that mean, combined with the tombstone, that i'm fuckin 3 times cursed??....the 2nd one was so close that it almost became a permanent addition to my fender....guess my reflexes aren't what they should be today.....my roommate walked in the door at 6:45 in the morning and there i was cleaning the living room....i thought she was gonna be apoplectic....and i was not too far off....not too happy about the mess...oh well..it's cleaned now...no harm no foul....anyway...i'm gotta go work on a lesson plan to teach tomorrow...{only 1 more week left of student teaching this semester!!!...woo hoo!!}....then study, then class tonight....had a great time last night y'all{unless i'm cursed for the next 500 years...then i'm not too happy about it...hehehe}....happy walloween :-) Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
2:38 pm	happy halloween!! hey y'all....sorry i haven't written in a few days....i've either been at work or hangin out...not much new to say....worked all day saturday....12 hour day took alot out of me...and aggravated my hip to the point where i really couldn't do much yesterday...but feeling much better today!!...watched the eagles get killed....i'm not normally a terribly superstitious person....but when i wear my jersey...the eagles are 4-0, and when i don't they're 0-3...hmmmmmm.....after the game i watched saw with the roommate and then passed out....today, i taught my first full lesson to a full classroom!!!..it went so well...the teacher gave me the highest marks...to be honest, i really thought i could have done better...if my heartrate had gotten any higher i may have had a heart attack!!..hehehe...the kids were really attentive for me, and everything went off as planned....sigh of relief there!!...anyway...tonight, having some folks over for dinner, movie, graveyard trip night :-)....toni, daena, and mallorie are coming early, and eric said he may stop in for a bit after work...but he's got an exam tomorrow so can't stay late...lookin forward to the graveyard trip....it's prolly been since i was in arizona since i did anything like that on halloween....:-)...two good movies to look forward to tonight...the wall, and the doors...:-)...before all of that, i really have got to get some work done so that i'm not totally stressed out the whole night....the semester is gettin close to being over, and alot of my big assignments are startin to come due soon....after thanksgiving, 2 of my classes don't even meet again except to review for the final, so life will start to get a bit easier...finally some free time!!..:-)...going home from december 10th till january 15th...5 weeks in new jersey!!...i don't know what i'm gonna do with myself for that long, but rest assured i'm going to get some much needed and well deserved R&R.....i'll prolly hang out with ashlee a bit while i'm there, but other than that, have to finalize a bunch of plans....i'm really excited to see a bunch of friends that i haven't seen in years....it's funny about how little marlton changes in 3 years...hehehe...in that sense, i'm happy that i'm not there....but these guys(and gals), eric, glenn, mike, mike, heather, natalie, warren..have always been there for me...and i'm happy to know that they're excited to see me too....somethin to look forward to..also lookin forward to spending new years in new york with my sister and ilan....it'll be nice to get back to the big city again!!..anyway...gotta go do some work...later y'all... Current Mood: good Current Music: austin powers theme song...watchin the movie :-) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
9:38 pm	what the hell is happening to me?? ok...the lack of sleep is starting to get serious y'all...the last week it's like my body has quit wanting to sleep...i feel tired and all of a sudden my mind picks up the pace....when i do sleep it's for like an hour at a time....and during the day, my emotions are all over the place....one minute i'm happy the next i feel like the world is gonna end....i've gotta find a way to sleep really soon, or i really feel like i'm gonna go nuts....it's affecting my schoolwork too...find my mind racing during class....about nothing in particular, that's the crazy part....it just doesn't want to focus....at night it's like i get into bed and just toss and turn....for someone who's had no problems falling asleep anywhere his whole life this is getting really distressing....i don't know how many of you out there have had this problem, but i need suggestions!!!....at first i thought it was just a nighttime thing, but now it's creeping into the daytime too....and fast....aaaarrrrgghhhh.....i'm so tired but i can't sleep....i feel like my mental capacity is startin to break down.... Current Mood: distressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:01 am	i'll miss you lexi.... got an email from my mom this morning....my dog at home, lexi, looks like the end is near.(the vet says it's just a matter of hours or days at this point)...i'm so upset about it right now....she's old....but i was really looking forward to seeing my little puppy at home....that would effectively leave me with no dogs for the first time in my life, since the other two have been effectively stolen from me by lauren.....:-(...i was 16 when we got lexi, and i can still remember holding her in the palm of my hand when we picked her up....still brings a smile to my face....i'm such a dog person....my current roommate has a cat....and i fuckin hate cats with such a passion....you can't train them, they're so impersonal....fuck em......i'll miss lexi dancing....lol.....if you want an explanation i'll give it to you later....but it was truly funny to watch...just can't believe that she'll be gone by the time i get there....:-(....i'm gonna go...i'm sad right now.... Current Mood: sad (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
3:37 pm	realizing mortality well...sorry i haven't written since last week....been a tough last couple of days....thursday night i had a test, and after, i was walking to my car, and out of the fuckin blue comes a big ass suv...doesn't stop, change direction, or slow down...just plows right into me.....it more clipped me than ran me over, but as you might imagine...hurt like hell and i don't know that i've ever been more scared, even for just an instant, in my life....i got up after, and drove home, but didn't really realize how much it hurt till the next morning....so i went to the dr...and they seemed very concerned.....they took x rays of my hip to make sure that it wasn't fractured....apparently, hip fractures are really bad b/c there are so many blood vessels in there...well...the xrays came back negative, so i got really lucky...would have required surgery to fix...anyway...they told me that i had a deep bone bruise, deep contusions in my left quadriceps and hamstring, and some evidence of minor internal bleeding...they told me not to worry about it unless i got faint or really weak....{in case you all don't know...a deep contusion is really painful..you know that pain you get in your foot when it cramps...imagine that every time you move....}....my roommmate gave me a percoset to help with the pain...and i discovered that i shouldn't take it on an empty stomach...spent all night saturday night bein sick.....needless to say didn't get much sleep any night....it hurts every time i roll over onto it, so it seems like i wake up every hour...booo!!!...anyway...i did get to the gym today to do a little upper body workout....and it wasn't easy at all....think i may have to lay off of stuff for awhile until this goes away....anyway....that pretty much was my weekend...lying in bed, doing pretty much nothing at all...doc said i should stay away from large groups of people for a few days....in case my hip acts up...i really hope it doesn't become a chronic problem....i already have a bad back....add a bad hip to that and i'm startin to sound like a beat up old man!!!....and yes, i prolly didn't help myself much yesterday watchin the eagles/san diego game....the eagles were losing 17-13 with 2 minutes left and had no timeouts left...all san diego had to do was kick the fg and the game was basically over....well...the eagles blocked the kick and ran it back 70 yards for a touchdown!!..i was jumping{yes, even with the hip...lol} all over the place and tripped and fell and gave myself a bloody nose...didn't even notice it for a few minutes i was so excited!!...i think i should just stay in bed for a few days...i'm being very accident prone lately!!!...anyway....i'm finally sorta temporarily caught up on my schoolwork, so i can take tonight pretty much off...think i'll watch monday night football and chill out....now i know what it feels like to TRULY KNOW my own mortality...i'm lucky and i know it....this whole thing could have been much much worse....i hope nobody ever has to feel the way i did for those few seconds....have a good one y'all Current Mood: relieved (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
3:08 pm	learning.... been thinking....and decided to just let go of all of my anger over stuff that's happened in my recent past....was readin my profile over and ran into a quote that makes alot of sense when you think about it.... "Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back -- in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you" --there's a lesson to be learned in that....anger can feel good at the moment, but it really eats you alive in the end..it's a self destructive emotion....i can't remain angry at things over which i have no control....and i don't want to wind up being bitter in life....it's so much easier to just let go....and let the past be just what it is....the past....it's not to say that i don't hurt because of stuff...i do...put there's just no sense in lingering on it....that is life...you take what it gives you and you work with it.... have to work tonight, but don't really feel like it...i'm so tired and drained...just don't feel like catering to other people right now....wish i could call out.....but need the money :-(... there is someone out there i need to send a message to.....don't let the sorority stuff get to you...you're better than that....and it's good to see that you've made a decision regarding graduation...at least your mind can rest easier....i'll try to get home early enough tonight to call you....hope i do!!...xoxoxo.... guess that's about it for now....need to get ready for work....well..maybe a 20 minute nap first....lol Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)